After seeing Fifty Shades Freed, I am now dividing life into two categories: Life before seeing Ana lick ice cream off Christian's pubic hair, and life after seeing Ana lick ice cream off Christian's pubic hair. There's nothing quite like watching your favorite food group be ruined with a bunch of strangers at a screening, but I tried to do my job and take very serious notes. As a result I ended up writing down things like "BUTT PLUG DRAWER."
But Freed didn't just gift the us with another two hours of sex. It gifted us intense awkwardness, LOLs, and true insanity. On that note, here are the most sexy-insane-weird-WTF moments from the film, and please note—spoilers lie ahead. Not that you are watching this movie for its plot twists, but.
1. When Christian shames Ana for wearing a bikini in public because he's the literal worst and clearly only wants to fifty-shades-free his own nipples. Other people's nipples matter too, Christian.
2. When Christian braids Ana's hair, which is not at all creepy and not at all a sign that he's a burgeoning serial killer. It's fine, everything is fine in this movie!!!!
3. When Christian has a meltdown because Ana won't change her email address to include his last name, which is a totally normal thing to get upset about. He's not at all controlling, and you should totally still think of him as a heroic romantic lead. Don't worry about it!
4. When Christian reluctantly lets Ana, a mere simple woman, drive his car—and is so turned on by the fact that she's smart, pretty, and knows how to operate a vehicle unlike the rest of us female-folk, that they have sex in the passenger's seat.
5. When the movie suddenly decides it should have a plot and becomes a spy thriller starring a sinister character named HYDE. I shall be putting his name in all-caps henceforth to demonstrate how sinister he is.
6. When Christian and Ana wait to talk about whether or not they should have kids after their wedding—a healthy and normal conversation to have on the heels of deciding to spend your life together. Thank you for setting such a good example to us, this movie!
7. When Ana seductively washes Christian's hair and ruins the concept of bathing oneself in the process. Thank god for dry shampoo, because showers are now a trigger.
8. When the movie tries to convince everyone that Ana has a life outside her husband, yet the only conversations she's capable of having with other people are about Christian. Somewhere, the Bedchel test is weeping.
9. Actually, I take that back. At one point she has a conversation about how cute jellyfish are. So great to see such a strong, independent woman on screen. Feminism!
10. When HYDE tries to kidnap Ana and she uses her sex handcuffs to restrain him. Poor Hyde's hands—let's just hope these cuffs get occasionally wiped down by whatever lost soul is in charge of cleaning the Red Room.
11. When Christian has an emotional breakdown because Ana gets a drink with a friend, takes the world's most emo shower, and then is like "MY PENIS IS BROKEN" (in so many words) when Ana tries to have sex with him.
12. When Christian gets revenge on Ana by denying her an orgasm with a vibrator. "Wow, he's terrible," you might be saying to yourself. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, I say back to you.
13. When Christian casually reveals that he has an entire drawer of butt plugs. A butt plug for every occasion, if you will.
14. When Christian is all, "You know, I had a dream last night...that you were dead." Which is a fine thing to say to one's wife, please stop questioning him.
15. When Christian starts singing "Maybe I'm Amazed" at the piano and no one in the movie starts laughing at him, so everyone in the audience does it for them.
16. When Ana dribbles ice cream all over Christian as if that's sexy instead of a complete waste of a great snack.
17. When Ana licks ice cream off Christian's pubic hair, which OH GOD, NO, MY EYES.
18. When Ana rubs a dirty spoon all over Christian's body, ruining spoons forever. Only sporks are acceptable now.
19. When the camera inexplicably zooms in on Christian's butt crack, an image I never asked for and one that will now haunt me forever.
20. When the sex is so good that Ana knocks over a bowl of fruit, which is clearly a metaphor for the FRUIT OF HER WOMB. BLESSED BE THE FRUIT!!!
21. When Christian's brother casually mentions that Christian was completely silent as a child. 👀
22. When you start wondering whether this movie will end with Christian killing everyone, changing his name, and becoming the dude from The Fall.
23. When Christian's brother proposes to his girlfriend in...the middle of...a club? Romantic?
24. When Christian finds out Ana is pregnant, has a toddler-like meltdown about his mommy issues, and you realize this movie is about a sociopath who wants to have sex with his mother.
25. When Rita Ora gets kidnapped by HYDE, who has apparently developed a series of unexplained facial sores in the past five minutes.
26. When HYDE throws his phone into a river but then somehow has another phone two seconds later.
27. When Ana walks into a bank and asks for $5 million in cash and they give it to her. Because banks totally do that.
28. When Ana's mild-mannered coworker turns out to be evil due to everyone in the publishing industry being a murderer and/or henchman.
29. When HYDE turns out to be Christian's foster brother and LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
30. When the movie ends with a flash-forward of Ana and Christian's poor innocent son frolicking about, oblivious to the things he went through in utero, and unaware that his father is the world's worst living human.